A little bit about me

A little bit about me and what I am about.

I am almost 22 years old, a cis-het woman. I live on a farm in rural QLD with my partner and my parents. I live in a granny flat with my partner, whilst my parents live next door in the main house. We have lots of animals. My partner and I own three cats and three rats and a large collection of houseplants. My parents have a cat and a dog of their own, and together we care for two miniature cows and five chickens. I moved back home after living out of home since I was fifteen years old about a year ago with Levi (my partner). It has been a major learning curve and helpful to me.

When I was fourteen I had a series of traumas all in the space of around six months. These six months have shaped my life ever since, which deeply saddens me. Since I was so young and naïve when trying to process these traumas I did a terrible job on my own. My parents found out what had happened to me and they were doing their best to be supportive and get me the help I needed, but I was far too angry within myself to accept any help. I thought I knew best, nobody could tell me what to do. I told myself that as soon as I accepted help it was real and that I was surrendering control of the situation to someone else. This made me feel incredibly frightened and uncomfortable; so I retreated into myself, numbing with drug and alcohol abuse. About a year after my initial trauma, I was admitted into an adolescent mental hospital for a good few weeks. It was awful, isolating, harsh. But it also taught me independence again, and got to the root of my issues in a lot of ways at the time. It was a good thing. It’s now been almost 8 years on and I am still very much affected by these things on a daily basis. I won’t go too far into detail in this post on the specifics of my trauma.

I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD and major depression and anxiety disorder a couple of years ago. It was initially just PTSD, but considering how I didn’t really get help for my PTSD and instead took a bunch of MDMA, acid and smoked a lot of weed it developed into something more sinister. Drugs and alcohol were my therapy.  I now have a very disordered personality. Which is really sad to me, I spent years before being diagnosed with complex PTSD or borderline personality disorder, simply thinking that this was how I am, this is my personality, I am angry, mean, rude, volatile, impulsive. When you read a list of ‘symptoms’ that describe the things you thought you were born with in your soul, it is a very jarring experience. To realise that the bad parts about yourself you thought you were forever stuck with are actually just symptoms of a mental health condition and can be treated.

I have taken medicine on and off for those eight years, but for the past two years I have consecutively taken medicine every day with little to no breaks in between. Whenever I am not taking antidepressants and a mood stabiliser or something to help me sleep at night I can barely get myself out of bed, I become incredibly suicidal. Medicine hasn’t fixed my problems nor has it cured me, it has absolutely helped reduce the absolutely unbearable symptoms that are associated with major depression. I have had lots of people tell me that prescription medicine is bad for me and that I can heal my depression through veganism, or spirituality, or willpower or some other strange thing. I appreciate that people are looking out for me but they are almost always the people who don’t struggle to literally get out of bed every morning. Getting out of bed is a massive achievement for me every single day, that may be laughable, but I don’t care. I am so proud of how far I have come.

I haven’t worked in 14 months since I moved back home to better my mental health and it has been the best thing I have ever done. I have been focussing on art and personal growth. If you have read this whole thing, I want you to know if you see any similarity in you and I - please don’t give up hope. I have mental breakdowns all the time, I take medicine, I do my absolute best to live a happy life, I see doctors. But it doesn’t make me any less strong or brave or valuable. I still hate myself for fleeting moments sometimes; even today I looked at my body in the mirror and thought about losing weight. I am learning how to recognise thoughts that are not helpful or solution based though, and those thoughts are definitely in that category.

I have so much hope for my future, and your future. I fight every single day to make the world a little bit kinder, brighter and more lovely for all of us. By the time I die I want to look back and say that I succeeded in doing that.

This blog will be a place for me to expand on the ideas and opinions I have been trying to cram into Instagram captions. It will be a space where I can share what I have learned in my life, and hopefully comfort others who might be in the same boat as I am.

Love and hugs,

Hannah

xxxx

HL BW